(I found this recently and laughed remembering when I wrote this for my daughter to sign awhile ago when we were having difficulty getting her on board with the things that she said she wanted. Now I think you could use a laugh with me although I must remind you that I always give her the right to change her mind about her definition of success, but until she owns the fact that she has changed her mind. I will always remind her of what she says she wants. Okay, now you can read it knowing that although I admit my critical parental tendencies is only because I care. LOL)
This unilateral agreement is evidence that from this date forward I commit to myself the goals that I have determined to be successful according to my definition of success.
I will not waiver, detour, delay, rescind or reject any opportunity that becomes available to me because I am committed to learning to love myself and I am capable and worthy of accomplishments.
I am whole heartedly determined, without reservation, to learn how to deal with my pain without medicating in any form and helping those who love me to understand my pain. I agree to attend all available counseling and engage in role playing and communicating with my loved ones until we clearly have empathy for one another with calm, fair, progressive conversation followed by intense pursuit of changing self defeating behaviors. (hahaha! Talk about emotional bootcamp - giggle)
My first step to avoid self defeating behaviors is to agree that I will avoid any relationship that allows me lenience in my commitments to myself including but not limited to family, classmates and co-workers.
In the past I have deliberately been unclear in order to mislead and avoid committing to my accountabilities for reasons, yet to be found, never-the-less, beginning today I will no longer avoid being truly myself in front of everyone with definite resolved conscious convictions for the benefit of being true to myself because I am a good person and determined to overcome my fears.
My second step is to commit to keeping all of my appointments in a timely fashion and be prepared for each appointment with enthusiasm. I plan to do this by keeping my calendar and each evening going over the next days projects and staying on task with future goals by doing something each day that gets me toward my goals both short and long term.
I agree that I may need help along the way. I am committed to being honest with myself about these needy areas and asking for help from wise counsel. I agree to work diligently to adopt the twelve steps of al inon in spite of my trouble getting through the second step by agreeing to live the questions until the answers come. (Andie corrected me because I originally thought it was the first step that had to do with handing it over to a higher power) Life is sloppy, but it's beautiful!
(Now that there has been some distance between the trauma and now.... giggle.... I realize why we don't live together. hahahaha! I must admit that this is just one of four pages, HOLY COW. shhhhhhhh don't tell her that I admit that I was going overboard with trying to direct her rehabilitation. I really truly was just trying to keep her out of the hospital. Jeeze, I am glad she still loves me in spite of me.)
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
My daily prayer
Dear YHWH (also known as "Jehovah", "I am", "Creator", "Heavenly Father", "Holy God Almighty")
May my threshold of coping skills run high and wide so that in the effort to take care of myself there is no harm done to others. Help me to be gracious with others when I am injured by them.
Navigate me away from people that cause division, hurt my spirit, or cause my soul to need excessive nurturing. Wither away my rooted bitterness and replace it with the sweetness of your grace.
Place encouraging words in my mind and heart to speak to others because I know you will hold me accountable for careless words spoken and it will grieve me. Wrap your arms around myself and my loved ones keeping us from evil and comforting us when our expectations are not met by circumstances or others. May we always have enough to keep us from temptation of thoughts or actions outside your good will.
Guide my passion as I leave no stone unturned searching for the things wanted out of life with my precious partner that you have so carefully chosen to be my lover and my best friend. Keep us as iron sharpens iron to become the loving force that builds up a safe haven for one another and protects those who gather around us.
When I experience anger, show me how to exercise it's gift to take care of myself with deliberate cautious action and while practicing this art of selfishness help direct me through clear meditation and with intent to center myself in your precious universe with the plan you have for me so that I experience your rewards as I seek truth in your likeness.
Continue to give me peace and a love of the understanding of other points of view as discussion and debate grow me in wisdom of all kinds.
Give me joy that causes me to smile my goofy grin from ear to ear as I journey through this life.
May I never think that I am beyond the need to seek wise counsel nor need not your guiding hand.
Thank you for never leaving me alone, for binding up my broken heart, and healing my woundedness. Thank you for seeing only your precious son on my right side as I enter your presence. In Jesus precious name. Amen!
May my threshold of coping skills run high and wide so that in the effort to take care of myself there is no harm done to others. Help me to be gracious with others when I am injured by them.
Navigate me away from people that cause division, hurt my spirit, or cause my soul to need excessive nurturing. Wither away my rooted bitterness and replace it with the sweetness of your grace.
Place encouraging words in my mind and heart to speak to others because I know you will hold me accountable for careless words spoken and it will grieve me. Wrap your arms around myself and my loved ones keeping us from evil and comforting us when our expectations are not met by circumstances or others. May we always have enough to keep us from temptation of thoughts or actions outside your good will.
Guide my passion as I leave no stone unturned searching for the things wanted out of life with my precious partner that you have so carefully chosen to be my lover and my best friend. Keep us as iron sharpens iron to become the loving force that builds up a safe haven for one another and protects those who gather around us.
When I experience anger, show me how to exercise it's gift to take care of myself with deliberate cautious action and while practicing this art of selfishness help direct me through clear meditation and with intent to center myself in your precious universe with the plan you have for me so that I experience your rewards as I seek truth in your likeness.
Continue to give me peace and a love of the understanding of other points of view as discussion and debate grow me in wisdom of all kinds.
Give me joy that causes me to smile my goofy grin from ear to ear as I journey through this life.
May I never think that I am beyond the need to seek wise counsel nor need not your guiding hand.
Thank you for never leaving me alone, for binding up my broken heart, and healing my woundedness. Thank you for seeing only your precious son on my right side as I enter your presence. In Jesus precious name. Amen!
Saturday, March 5, 2011
I love my family!
"If my car was running like this, I'd give it gas for fear it would stall." That's what I said to my husband last night as I was laying in bed. My heart felt like it was hesitating or fluttering. He suggested that it was anxiety and I bet he is right considering all I have dealt with lately. I haven't had any heart pains - maybe some pains in the a$$, but that is relationship driven and I wouldn't want it any other way. "I love my family!" One other change is that I am back on my exercise program and have been briskly walking for 3-8 miles a day with the maximum of two cheats (days off) a week. My goal is to be running with my brother in a marathon next year and I have 384 days until my my goal date. My goal date is my 50th birthday and I need to beat his 50th birthday time; if only I could manipulate him into returning my phone calls. Did I mention "I love my family!"? If he returns my phone call, I will find out what his marathon time was when he turned 50 years old. (hahahaha! he is afraid to let me know for fear I'll smoke him)
Okay, okay, back to the original subject. I did find some information on line that helped me to relax about my "heart stall". Apparently it's quite normal as long as you don't have chest pains, feel faint or sweaty. Hummm, "Sweaty" now that's a hidden symptom since I have hot flashes regularly. (giggle) Never the less, I think I may be just fine, although I should have researched this before I started bringing it up in conversations, now that I have scared my kids and hunnie with the thought of impending heart attack. Second thought I smile a really big smile when I imagine my daughter (motivated by the thought of losing her mom) getting up allowing an appropriate amount of time to pull herself together (that will never happen!) wrather than racing out the door at the last minute with half her stuff for the day trailing her and her hair standing on end because she only gave herself 15 minutes to get from a deep sleep to driving down the freeway to work. Jeeze! Maybe that's the real source of the anxiety problem causing my heart flutters. Whew! Sayin' my prayer that she makes it safely even though she claims that there is no evidence of a higher power! God help all of us mothers of adult girl children!!! Did I mention that "I love my family!"?
Okay, okay, back to the original subject. I did find some information on line that helped me to relax about my "heart stall". Apparently it's quite normal as long as you don't have chest pains, feel faint or sweaty. Hummm, "Sweaty" now that's a hidden symptom since I have hot flashes regularly. (giggle) Never the less, I think I may be just fine, although I should have researched this before I started bringing it up in conversations, now that I have scared my kids and hunnie with the thought of impending heart attack. Second thought I smile a really big smile when I imagine my daughter (motivated by the thought of losing her mom) getting up allowing an appropriate amount of time to pull herself together (that will never happen!) wrather than racing out the door at the last minute with half her stuff for the day trailing her and her hair standing on end because she only gave herself 15 minutes to get from a deep sleep to driving down the freeway to work. Jeeze! Maybe that's the real source of the anxiety problem causing my heart flutters. Whew! Sayin' my prayer that she makes it safely even though she claims that there is no evidence of a higher power! God help all of us mothers of adult girl children!!! Did I mention that "I love my family!"?
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Shaking Negativity
January 27th, 2010
Helping my daughter to shake off the negative emotions:
Stand up and step outside. Take a moment to become aware of the universe around you. Take a deep breath in your nose hold for just a second to catch the negative feeling then forcefully blow out your mouth with cheeks extending as you release the bad vibes into the atmosphere. Visualize the negative yucky stuff floating out to the dry places like ashes drifting off never to return to you. Now shake your shoulders as you release the coat of despair and fling your fingers as you release the hurt and pain as if it were water flinging from your fingers. Now slowly take another deep breath of healing and new beginnings to replace old and make you whole for a new day is here with new opportunities and new blessings to be found. Look for them in the simple pleasures of life my dear child as you live the questions until the answers come to you. I love you dear child!
Helping my daughter to shake off the negative emotions:
Stand up and step outside. Take a moment to become aware of the universe around you. Take a deep breath in your nose hold for just a second to catch the negative feeling then forcefully blow out your mouth with cheeks extending as you release the bad vibes into the atmosphere. Visualize the negative yucky stuff floating out to the dry places like ashes drifting off never to return to you. Now shake your shoulders as you release the coat of despair and fling your fingers as you release the hurt and pain as if it were water flinging from your fingers. Now slowly take another deep breath of healing and new beginnings to replace old and make you whole for a new day is here with new opportunities and new blessings to be found. Look for them in the simple pleasures of life my dear child as you live the questions until the answers come to you. I love you dear child!
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